10. Useful Toys
Question: “I'm fairly inexperienced in the art of cunnilingus, and I
can't get my hands and tongue to work together—it's just too hard to
concentrate on both at the same time. What can I do?” (Geoff, 32)
Answer: Try introducing a vibrator into your action. No matter what
your skill level, a vibrator can prove to be a valuable addition to a
cunnilingus session.
If your girlfriend doesn't already own a vibrator for masturbation,
then buying one together can be fun and, perhaps, daunting: there's
no shortage of sizes, shapes, textures, styles, and add-ons to choose
from.
But as far as specifically choosing a vibrator that will augment
your cunnilingus session, once again form should follow function.
Many men make the mistake of thinking that the way to employ a
vibrator is to thrust, jab, and penetrate, in cheap imitation of the
penis during intercourse. This being the case, many vibrators are
designed to resemble the male form.
Just as you focused your tongue and fingers on the application of
gentle rhythmic motions that engage the visible aspects of the vulva,
as well as the first couple of inches inside the vagina, use the vibrator
in a similar fashion.
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In most cases, however, cunnilingus is an important way of
maintaining a healthy sex life throughout all stages of pregnancy. In
fact, she'll probably appreciate the attentions of your tongue all the
more. According to The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki
Iodine, “The best news about the changes 'down below' is that many
Girlfriends feel like they live in a state of constant sexual arousal
because their organs are engorged with blood. My Girlfriend Tracy
says that she became nearly orgasmic if she walked very far because
the action of her legs rubbing together was like never-ending
foreplay.”
CAUTION: When pregnant women enter their second
trimester, they are advised not to lie flat on their backs for
prolonged periods of time, as this flat position could cut off
the circulation of blood from the vena cava and affect the
process of oxygenation within her body. Remedy this issue
by placing a pillow underneath her hip and lower back (either
side will do) and then tilting her slightly.
Another benefit of pregnancy is that she may be able to have
orgasms much more easily, and they may be more intense and longer
lasting. This is because her uterine contractions are stronger and
more sensitive to the release of oxytocin during sex.
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• Incorporate a bath or shower into foreplay; light candles; let him
massage you with scented oil. But also appreciate your
boyfriend's eagerness and know that most men love the sight,
taste, and smell of the vulva and get incredibly turned on when
giving cunnilingus. Hopefully, your boyfriend's enthusiasm will
prove contagious and you'll be able to ease into the experience.
• Relax, let go, and focus on your process of sexual response. Try
to get into the same frame of mind as when you masturbate. Stay
in touch with your body, focus on receiving pleasure, and feel
your way through the process. Most women tend to fantasize
much more during oral sex than they do during intercourse, so
don't be afraid to let go and allow your imagination wander.
• Also know that it may take a few attempts before you're able to
climax, so don't get frustrated. You may get very close, but still
not come.
• Finally, if you feel that you are close to coming, but are unable
to get yourself over the edge, consider masturbating yourself the
final “few yards,” especially since you know that you are able to
come this way. We tend to think of masturbation as a private,
sometimes even shameful, act, but the fact is that both men and
women fantasize about watching their partners masturbate. Since
you've already been open and honest enough with each other to
talk freely about your inability to experience an orgasm during
intercourse, you should be candid and comfortable enough in
your relationship to understand the importance of masturbation.
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• If a vibrator or dildo is part of your routine, you might encourage
your boyfriend to incorporate it into the act. You might even
want to let him watch you masturbate, or better yet, try
masturbating yourself with his hand.
• Don't be shy about letting him know what feels good and what
doesn't—be sure to praise him when it feels good, and be
constructive when it doesn't—when it comes to feedback in the
area of sexual performance, the male ego bruises easily.
Since you've never had a guy perform oral sex on you, prepare
yourself for a roller coaster of physical sensations: some will feel
terrific; others might feel new and strange, overwhelming, or even
uncomfortable. Let him know if you want him to change what he's
doing. As sex columnist and author Anka Radakovich writes of her
first time receiving cunnilingus, “I was breaking in the front seat of my new car and got so excited by the tingling sensation that I
accidentally hit the gearshift and plowed right into the garage door,
smashing the front end. Imagine explaining this one to the insurance
adjuster.”
As for your shyness about allowing him to see, smell, and taste
you, you're not alone, and there are some easy steps you can take to
help relax you:
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Answer: Your boyfriend is right. You do have a much better chance
of experiencing an orgasm through cunnilingus than through genital
intercourse. That's because the clitoris is the powerhouse of the
orgasm, and is best stimulated through persistent, rhythmic pressure.
Genital intercourse generally doesn't provide the clitoris with the
stimulation necessary to take you through the process of sexual
response, which is why you're able to orgasm when you masturbate.
The fact that you are able to experience an orgasm via
masturbation is an extremely positive sign—if you couldn't, you
might very well not be able to come via cunnilingus either.
Masturbation is the first step toward training your body and mind to
work together in the production of pleasure.
So you're definitely on the right track. You're “wired” to orgasm.
• The main thing is to relax and take a pleasure-oriented approach.
Don't focus on your orgasm; focus on enjoying the experience.
It's great that your boyfriend is enthusiastic about cunnilingus;
just make sure that he takes a pleasure-oriented approach as well,
and doesn't become fixated on your orgasm.
• Make sure you've engaged in ample foreplay and that you're
stimulated and ready to go. Think about the types of manual
stimulation that enable you to come via masturbation.
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There's no reason why she shouldn't be able to experience an
orgasm in this manner. In fact, the efficacy of this technique just
goes to show that the female orgasm is largely produced through
stimulation of the dense clitoral nerve endings that populate the
surface of the vulva and are unobstructed by the tampon.
In terms of the Scarlet Kiss and your safe-sex routine, even if
you're using latex, know that the likelihood of both transmitting and
receiving an STD rises when she's menstruating, as viral bacteria,
such as HIV, are more prevalent in her blood. So, even if you're
using the tampon method in combination with a dental dam, you may
want to consider avoiding cunnilingus altogether during her period if
you are also engaging in the Protected Kiss.
7. The Virgin Kiss, His First Time
Question: “I really want to go down on my girlfriend, but I've never
done it before and I'm a little nervous—not about smell or anything
like that, but about doing it right and pleasing her. Any advice for a
first-timer?” (Eric, 21)
Answer: Take note:
1. Make sure she's been amply aroused during foreplay.
2. Take your time.
3. Be as gentle and rhythmic as possible. Forget everything you've
seen in porn films, but be confident. Don't confuse being gentle
with being listless. Be strong of mind and tongue.
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• Prior to foreplay, let her insert a fresh tampon and clean off the
area of her vulva with a washcloth.
Now you're ready to go, and can implement most of the tongue
techniques discussed in this book.
• As always, focus on gentle, light movements and the application
of rhythmic, persistent pressure.
• It makes sense for the applicator string to be pulled down and
generally out of the way, although sometimes the string can be
used to great effect to caress and swipe the clitoral head in
combination with your tongue.
• You'll want to hold off on the full use of your fingers, but that's
okay since the tampon is actually their proxy. As you lead her
through the process of arousal, her pelvic muscles and clitoral
cuff will tighten around the tampon and help to stimulate the
orgasm. The tampon will also apply pressure against her clitoral
cluster.
• Just because you're not inserting your fingers doesn't mean you
can't use them around her vaginal entrance, labia, perineum, and
anal area. And if you want, you can tuck a finger in under the
tampon, and help to press it against her clitoral cluster and
clitoral cluster. Even with a single finger inside her, the
experience will remain flow-free.
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• Or, using a standard-size vibrator, slowly insert it most of the
way into her vaginal entrance. Only the base of the vibrator, and
an inch or two of the shaft, should protrude. Set it to a low
vibration. You'll find that as you hold the dental darn in place,
you should be able to push down on the base of the vibrator with
your chin, or one of your wrists, and gently massage her.
Finally, if you and your partner(s) are serious about your
cunnilingus (and also have a sense of humor), think about purchasing
a device called “The Accommodator,” otherwise known as a “chin-
dong.” The Accommodator is a strap-on dildo that fits onto the end
of your chin and is secured with elastic headbands (like a catcher's
mask). When wearing a chin-dong, you literally look as though you
have a penis growing out of your face, so get ready for some laughs.
But a chin-dong does the trick in that you can easily manipulate it
and apply tongue strokes at the same time. The Accommodator can
be purchased at sextoys.com.
6. The Scarlet Kiss
The truth is that you don't have to avoid oral sex just because she's
menstruating, but you may be inclined to. In general, both men and
women are sensitive to issues of taste, odor, and hygiene when it
comes to cunnilingus, and these sensitivities are amplified when
she's experiencing her period. But thanks to the invention of the
simple tampon, you can give her flow-free, spine-tingling head 365
days a year (assuming she's game, of course; some women experience a marked decrease in sexual desire when they're
menstruating, while others feel a substantial increase. It all depends
upon her unique chemistry).
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Sometimes it helps if she holds the dam in place while you apply
tongue strokes, but probably the best solution is simply to get
comfortable holding the barrier in place with one hand while using
your free hand to manually stimulate her. I know that doesn't solve
your problem, so I'm going to suggest that you approach the
challenge in a new way: rather than focus on how to “free up” your
hands, focus on how best to stimulate her clitoral cluster while using
your hands to keep the barrier in place.
• Start with a dildo (a soft, plastic replica of the male penis that
comes in various sizes and textures); buy one with a thick
tapered head (at least a couple of inches in diameter) that will fit
snugly inside her vaginal entrance.
• Insert the head of the dildo (the first couple of inches) into her
vaginal entrance. It should fill her without being uncomfortable,
and expand the area of her frenulum, as would happen during
intercourse. Most important, the dildo should remain secure
inside her without requiring the assistance of your hands.
• Hold the dental dam in place and use your thumbs to massage
her frenulum while you apply tongue strokes to the clitoral head.
Apply delicate tongue strokes to the clitoral head; her clitoral
cuff should tighten around the dildo, particularly if you've
introduced it after building up substantial sexual tension.
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Answer: Because even with a dental dam, she can experience
quite a bit of pleasure from oral sex, and there are things you can
accomplish through the combination of your tongue, teeth, gums,
and lips that you cannot achieve simply with your hands or penis.
The main barrier to pleasure when using a dental dam is not
physical, it's mental. the latex in place, and another two to finger her with. Any
suggestions?” (Chad, 34)
Answer: The issue you raise regarding latex barriers, namely keeping
them in place and not being able to use your fingers for manual
stimulation, is probably the single greatest complaint that's leveled
against them—that, and the reduced sensation that often
accompanies their use.
Some folks have tried to devise fairly original ways for keeping
the barrier in place. Such innovations include: using dental dams in
combination with tight-fitting “crotchless” panties; wrapping small
elastic garter straps around each thigh and then attaching them to the
respective corners of the dental dam. I've even heard of people
making panties out of Saran Wrap. I'm not going to go to the effort
of describing these various “jerryrigs” (use your imagination)
because frankly I haven't heard any raves on their behalf and they
just seem downright silly.
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Instead of thinking of the dental dam as a barrier to sensation,
employ it as a new tool to enable pleasure:
• Brush her clitoral head with the edge of the dam.
• Or insert one end of the dam inside her vagina and press up
against her clitoral cluster as you wrap the remaining piece up
around the clitoral area. Use both hands to “polish” the clitoris
like an exquisite pearl.
There's so much more to cunnilingus than simply the tongue:
there's the rhythmic pressure that you can apply with your teeth,
gums, and lips; there's the combination of oral and manual
stimulation that you're in a position to lavish upon her in abundant
supply; there's the focus and attention that you can pay to her process
of sexual response; and finally there's the complete experience of the
act—the physical, mental, and emotional sum total, which is so much
greater than any of its individual parts. Just because one of your
actors may be partially restrained doesn't mean you can't still put on
one hell of a show.
5. The Protected Kiss, Part 2
Question: “I'm currently dating a few different women, so I guess
you could say I'm not monogamous, at least not now. I'm at a point
in my life where I just want to have fun, but that doesn't mean I don't
want the fun to be safe, so I use a latex barrier when going down on a
girl. The tricky part is keeping the harrier in place while trying to use
my fingers inside her vagina. I wish I had four hands—two to keep
Question: When it comes to oral sex and dental dams, why even
bother? Why not just stimulate her manually and go straight to
genital penetration?
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• Apply a few drops of water-based lubricant to her vulva (oil and
latex don't mix well) and place the barrier against the entire area, covering the vaginal entrance. In using a dental dam, know that
she will not be able to respond to the direct moistness of your
tongue. Instead, she will respond to the transmission of vibration
and sensation through the latex. Almost all of the tongue
techniques in this book can be implemented through a latex
barrier, but it may be necessary to adjust them slightly and focus
on deeper, more intense versions, since very light actions may
not transmit well.
• When using a dental dam, think of your tongue as an active force
for applying pressure, and also integrate your gums and teeth
into the action. In terms of the first kiss, you'll want to use the
ice-cream lick described earlier, but when you reach her clitoral
head, instead of brushing over it lightly with your tongue, softly
press the flat surface of your front teeth against it.
When you are using a dental dam, it would be a bald-faced lie to
say that your abilities as a cunnilinguist are not somewhat
handicapped; they most certainly are, roughly by a factor of about 30
to 40 percent. It's hard to make up for the loss of a wet, unfettered
tongue and the electrifying sensations that it can deliver with the
gentlest of touch. But it's by no means impossible. You have to work
within new limitations and compensate with creativity and
perseverance. Know and accept your limitations at the outset, and
you'll be able to make up for them in other gratifying ways.
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No matter what your approach, take your time and allow her
gradually to build up the sexual tension that will ultimately be
released through orgasm—perhaps sooner than later. When it comes
to manual stimulation, it doesn't matter if you're a lumberjack or
businessman no matter what your trade, we all need strong
“working hands.”
2. Some Pointers on the Use of Restraint
Restraint, as proposed in this book, does not involve any pain or
danger, but rather promotes trust and titillation.
Use soft restraints: neckties, scarves, or ribbons, or go out and
purchase Velcro wrist and ankle bands that are created specifically
for sex play.
Try restraining her hands separately (perhaps to bedposts, if you
have them) or else together. If you're tying them together, do so
above her head rather than behind her hack (you don't want to cause
discomfort or cut off her circulation).
In restraining her legs, don't make the mistake of separating them
widely and tying them individually (the classic image being that of a
woman's arms and legs stretched taut and tied spread-eagle to the
four corners of the bed). Instead, tie her legs together at the ankles so
that she can assume a number of body positions.
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Next, like you're petting the cat again, use short come-hither
motions to approach the clitoral head from its underbelly (the area
known as the frenulum), barely grazing her vaginal entrance.
Then, stimulating from the area just above the head where the
outer labia meet—the front commissure—brush against the head in a
downward motion with the soft surface of your fingernail and
fingertip.
Now use two fingers to squeeze the head on either side.
Next, take those same two fingers, reach inside her vaginal
entrance, press your fingertips against her vaginal ceiling, and grab
hold of her pubic bone. In this position, your fingers are wrapped
against the clitoral head. Massage the area just behind the head,
where a cluster of sensitive nerve fibers intersect. As opposed to the
light manual stimulation of the previous gestures, this position
provides a more firm, still pressure. Depending on her level of
arousal, you may well feel the clitoral cuff swell around the vaginal
entrance and lightly clamp your fingers.
Consider inserting a third finger, as long as you work up to it.
Now, still in this position—whether with two or three fingers—
make small, rapid movements from left to right, massaging both her
clitoral cluster and head.
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Easier said than done. We can't live every moment as though it
were eternally indelible; it's simply too hard and would make life
much too heavy. So instead we attempt to escape and live with a
sense of lightness. We postpone our goals, we get into ruts, we
distract ourselves with trivialities, but deep down we know that we
could be living life more fully according to our potential; lightness is
undermined by a sense of heaviness; hence, the unbearable lightness
of being.
For all of his sexual adventures and numerous lovers, it takes
Tomas years before he is finally able to make love. He is only able to
do so by turning his back on the lightness of meaningless affairs and
embracing the heaviness of a committed relationship.
We may not be able to live each moment as though we were
going to repeat it over and over for all eternity, but we can make love
that way; we can kiss our beloved knowing that we want that kiss,
like a pebble cast into a still lake, to ripple and undulate for all
eternity. Like Tomas returning to Tereza's embrace, we can make
love totally and indelibly, with all the heaviness and substance of our
being. As George Bernard Shaw wrote, “When you loved me I gave
you the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity in a
single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of your arms,
and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of your soul.”
When she comes first, she comes forever. Appendices
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?Stage 4: Escalation
(three to five minutes)
TONGUE: Return to standard position and gum-press. Try scraping
front commissure and top of head with teeth. Press teeth against
clitoral area.
FINGERS: Maintain proper come-hither clasp against frenulum and
clitoral cluster.
HAND: As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, graze anal
area with thumb.
?Stage 5: Preorgasm
(three to five minutes)
TONGUE: Deepen gum pressure. Focus on strokes that are more
varied and less predictable in rhythm. Introduce an element of
spontaneity into the process. FINGERS: Insert third finger, widen vaginal entrance. As you
maintain position, massage clitoral cluster without breaking
fingertip contact. Or use “under and up” technique to snake arm
through leg and insert middle and fourth finger. Let her tap
frenulum against index finger.
HAND: Insert tip of thumb into anus.
?Stage 6: Orgasm
(less than one minute)
TONGUE: Maintain deep gum pressure. As you feel orgasmic
contractions, apply light tongue flourishes that “spike” the
orgasm.
FINGERS: As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain fingertip
pressure against clitoral cluster, as well as thumb-tip pressure
against frenulum. Or if you are doing “under and up” position,
increase the pressure of your index finger as you tap against
frenulum.
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HAND: Continue to provide support and stimulate anal area.
?Stage 6: Orgasm
(less than one minute)
TONGUE: Focus on pressing your tongue into clitoral head. Use
gums as strong point of resistance to her movements.
FINGER: As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain fingertip
pressure against clitoral cluster and frenulum.
HAND: Focus on maintaining position as she enters period of
spasmodic orgasmic contractions. Use your hand to press up
against buttocks and keep clitoral head aligned with tongue.
ROUTINE 2 COMMENTS: In this routine, focus on the pressure you are
increasing with your gums and fingertips. Focus on understanding
the balance between pressure and tongue strokes.
This routine will introduce more complex tongue strokes as well as
further integrate the use of fingers. We will also introduce anal
stimulation. This is a base line routine in that all major areas are now
being fully stimulated.
?Level: Intermediate?
?Stage 1: First Kiss
(less than one minute)
TONGUE: Nibble your way through the first kiss. Spend time
nibbling inner lips before nibbling clitoral head.
FINGERS: Clasp perineal tissue throughout first kiss. Index finger
should be inside, thumb on outside.
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This routine will largely maintain the tongue strokes of the last
routine, but also focus on integrating fingers and gums more fully.
?Level: Beginner?
?Stage 1: First Kiss
(less than one minute)
TONGUE: Long, slow tongue stroke; bottom to top. Be as light and
gentle as possible.
FINGERS: With the hand you will use for finger work, press down
on pubic mound and tighten vaginal entrance.
HAND: Other hand under buttocks; press thumb against perineum.
?Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm
(three to five minutes)
TONGUE: Vertical halfway licks (5), followed by long tongue
stroke that brushes clitoral head. Focus on labia and frenulum;
only brush clitoral head on full stroke, not halfway ones.
FINGERS: Maintain pressure on pubic mound, keeping vaginal
entrance tight and clitoral head more exposed to tongue strokes.
HAND: With one hand under buttocks, continue to use your thumb
to press against perineum.
?Stage 3: Developing Tension
(five to ten minutes)
TONGUE: Alternate vertical strokes with horizontal strokes. On
vertical strokes, try to just graze bottom of clitoral head without
fully hitting it. Focus on brushing head on horizontal strokes. For
every five vertical, do one horizontal.
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FINGERS: With two fingers inserted (palm up), use your thumb to
press against frenulum and provide requisite pressure. Keep
fingers inside, but make sure that thumb against frenulum is your
priority.
HAND: Use your hand to support buttocks and maintain clitoral
contact; keep her in position. Make sure her legs are close
together. You should feel her inner thighs press against your hand
that is inserted in vaginal entrance.
?Stage 6: Orgasm
(less than one minute)
TONGUE: Focus on pressing your tongue into clitoral head. Feel
her push against you. Maintain pressure. Observe orgasmic
contractions and hold in position throughout. After contractions,
lick clitoral head once lightly. She should recoil to touch.
FINGERS: Feel pelvic muscles throb against fingers. Focus on
maintaining pressure with thumb against frenulum.
HAND: Focus on maintaining position as she enters period of
spasmodic orgasmic contractions. Use your hand to press up
against buttocks and keep clitoral head aligned with tongue.
COMMENTS: Focus on observing the process of sexual response
and learning how your tongue stimulates reaction. Remember to be
gentle and slow with your tongue and don't over stimulate the clitoral
head too early in the process. Toward the end, remember to let her
establish rhythm and move against you and to focus on keeping her
in position as you maintain direct clitoral contact through final
orgasm. If need be, incorporate a vibrator into routine in lieu of
fingers, and focus on tongue strokes.
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FINGERS: Single finger (index) inserted partially into vaginal
entrance.
HAND: Move one hand out from under butt in order to insert finger.
Use one hand to get a firm grip and straddle both cheeks.
?Stage 3: Developing Tension
(five to ten minutes)
TONGUE: Alternate vertical strokes of the tongue with horizontal
strokes. On vertical strokes, try to just graze bottom of the clitoral
head without fully hitting it. Focus on brushing the head on
horizontal strokes. For every five vertical, do one horizontal.
FINGERS: Maintain single finger in vaginal entrance. Focus on
feeling pelvic muscles. Let your other fingers graze vulva and
perineum.
HAND: Maintain support.
?Stage 4: Escalation
(three to five minutes)
TONGUE: Continue vertical and horizontal strokes. Integrate
tongue press against clitoral head. Hold for five seconds.
FINGERS: Insert second finger into vaginal entrance. Press fingers
against vaginal ceiling. Feel for clitoral cluster.
HAND: As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, try to
stimulate perineum with your thumb.
?Stage 5: Preorgasm
(three to five minutes)
TONGUE: Press tongue into clitoral head. Focus on pressure, slow
down tongue stroke as you provide resistance. Let her move
against your tongue.
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